Yeah well, yesterday was yesterday, today is today. Just because yesterday was a good day doesn't mean I'm not in pain today.
if you are anything like me it is BECAUSE yesterday was a good day and I tried to get as much done as I possibly could and over did it and now the next 3 or 4 days are going to be screaming bloody.
Living your life in constant pain with little or no relief is one of the most discouraging and frustrating feelings imaginable.
I have several shot vertebra in my back from being naturally big busted. EVERY BREATH feels like knives driving through my spine. EVERY. BREATH. It NEVER stops. All day, all night, all week, all year...I hold my breath somtimes until I black out, just for that brief relief. I'm on meds that the dosage I take could kill someone else...but all it does is keep the pain just below the threshold where I'm not throwing up from the pain levels. I did that for nine months, lost over 100 lbs, and damaged my stomach and esophogus while trying to convince doctors I wasn't drug seeking, I was SICK. Drug seekers don't beg for breast reduction surgery. Drug seekers don't beg to be sent to endocrinologists, and rhuematologists, and all the other specialists (there is alot more going on then just my spine, alot of biochemical stuff screwed up. I've had to research and research because doctors here just want to throw pain pills at the problem and then give me grief because I'm on pain pills. Give me another option, I'll take it GLADLY! Do you think I LIKE not being able to go to the bathroom without screaming in pain from the side effects? Do you think I enjoy having no short term memory? Do you think I'm happy that I'm rotting my liver away faster than moonshine ever could? No, they just don't think. Period.
The woman who screamed rude things at me for parking in the handicap spot, even though I have a plate, saying that just because I'm fat it's not a handicap....and my hitting my limits, my edge, and losing it and screaming at her what, do you think people just wake up suddenly one day in a wheelchair? NO! It's a long degrading painful process of watching everything that you love to do and everything that is your life taken from you one thing at a time because your body is FAILING you, and there is NOTHING you can do about it. It's having to give up every hope and dream because you know that by the time you have the means, your body won't be able to hold up. It's giving up having and doing the things that everyone else takes for GRANTED, like being able to SHOWER without winding up on the floor of the bathtub screaming and sobbing in pain. It's having BEEN thin and watching yourself put on weight and struggling to exercise and hurting yourself FURTHER, and the meds just put the weight on FASTER.
A full parking lot of people, standing, staring....and one by one....applauding. It sank in I think...to a lot of people. She turned her nose up and got in her car and left...several people thanked me for helping them to understand what loved ones of thiers were going through, while I sat on a curb and wept, shaking, because all that truth pouring out of me had been things not even realized until then.
I hope you don't mind if I friend you...we all need support sometimes.
no subject
if you are anything like me it is BECAUSE yesterday was a good day and I tried to get as much done as I possibly could and over did it and now the next 3 or 4 days are going to be screaming bloody.
I have several shot vertebra in my back from being naturally big busted. EVERY BREATH feels like knives driving through my spine. EVERY. BREATH. It NEVER stops. All day, all night, all week, all year...I hold my breath somtimes until I black out, just for that brief relief. I'm on meds that the dosage I take could kill someone else...but all it does is keep the pain just below the threshold where I'm not throwing up from the pain levels. I did that for nine months, lost over 100 lbs, and damaged my stomach and esophogus while trying to convince doctors I wasn't drug seeking, I was SICK. Drug seekers don't beg for breast reduction surgery. Drug seekers don't beg to be sent to endocrinologists, and rhuematologists, and all the other specialists (there is alot more going on then just my spine, alot of biochemical stuff screwed up. I've had to research and research because doctors here just want to throw pain pills at the problem and then give me grief because I'm on pain pills. Give me another option, I'll take it GLADLY! Do you think I LIKE not being able to go to the bathroom without screaming in pain from the side effects? Do you think I enjoy having no short term memory? Do you think I'm happy that I'm rotting my liver away faster than moonshine ever could? No, they just don't think. Period.
The woman who screamed rude things at me for parking in the handicap spot, even though I have a plate, saying that just because I'm fat it's not a handicap....and my hitting my limits, my edge, and losing it and screaming at her what, do you think people just wake up suddenly one day in a wheelchair? NO! It's a long degrading painful process of watching everything that you love to do and everything that is your life taken from you one thing at a time because your body is FAILING you, and there is NOTHING you can do about it. It's having to give up every hope and dream because you know that by the time you have the means, your body won't be able to hold up. It's giving up having and doing the things that everyone else takes for GRANTED, like being able to SHOWER without winding up on the floor of the bathtub screaming and sobbing in pain. It's having BEEN thin and watching yourself put on weight and struggling to exercise and hurting yourself FURTHER, and the meds just put the weight on FASTER.
A full parking lot of people, standing, staring....and one by one....applauding. It sank in I think...to a lot of people. She turned her nose up and got in her car and left...several people thanked me for helping them to understand what loved ones of thiers were going through, while I sat on a curb and wept, shaking, because all that truth pouring out of me had been things not even realized until then.
I hope you don't mind if I friend you...we all need support sometimes.