Did you know you could fly

I have been recognising more and more lately just how deeply I have internalised the idea of mental health issues as being a weakness.  This frustrates the hell out of me because intellectually I don't believe that.  When I have friends who are dealing with mental health issues, I don't think of them as weak, or lazy, or somehow failures at life - I respect the hell out of them for just making it day to day.  But when it's *me* it's different.  Because while intellectually I know that what I'm going through is just as difficult as what my friends are dealing with, and that if I don't blame them for it I shouldn't blame myself, deep down I still *feel* like a failure, a weakling, someone deserving of scorn.

Growing up I lived surrounded by the notion that success in life equaled a good job, a spouse, a house with a yard, and some kids.  Maybe a dog.  Cats were for pathetic old spinsters.  I thought I'd rejected that idea in high school, and intellectually I did.  But deep down a part of me still measures success that way.  When I was growing up, anyone who was past thirty and didn't have that kind of life was considered somehow lesser.  In some cases, it was their fault -- they made bad choices.  They didn't work hard enough in school, they followed an unrealistic dream like playing in a band or being an artist, they were too stubborn to conform to the way the world works.  People with physical disabilities were pitied universally, and scorned or admired based on how they 'dealt' with their disability.  Always, there was to be a sense of mourning for the opportunity for a successful life that was taken from them - because of course whatever they made of themselves could never be as good as the traditional American Dream.

People with mental health issues were also universally pitied, but there was also a sliding scale of scorn depending on the nature of the disease and how close they came to achieving the Dream anyway.  People who were 'crazy' enough to be institutionalised were thought of much the same as those with physical disabilities, but with an added discomfort.  It was easier somehow, more comfortable, to be around someone in a wheelchair than to be around someone who kept talking to the voices in their heads.  The 'less serious' mental health issues, like depression and anxiety, were almost discounted.  It was like the mental equivalent of seasonal allergies.  Yeah, your eyes are itchy and watering and you're sneezing all over the place and you're very uncomfortable but you don't stay home in bed, you take your damn Allegra and go to work like a responsible, mature adult.  If you have depression or anxiety problems, that's too bad, and I'm sorry things are harder for you than for other people, but still, just take your medicine and power through.  Anything less is giving up, letting the disease 'win'.  Anything less is weakness, laziness.

For all that I've outwardly rejected this attitude, more and more I'm finding myself confronted by how much I still hold myself to this standard.  The horrible part is, the worse I feel about myself for my 'failures', the worse my depression gets, and the less I am able to 'power through'.  It's a constantly self-reinforcing cycle.  And I don't know how to stop it.  At any given moment I might tell myself that I'm allowed to take care of myself.  That the overwhelming apathy that keeps me from leaving the apartment some days isn't my fault.  And for an hour or two I might believe it.  And then when I find myself on the couch mindlessly watching old episodes of Castle, I'm suddenly overwhelmed by crushing guilt.  Here I am again, being lazy and self-indulgent, lounging on the couch watching TV when a successful, mature adult would be at work, powering through.  What a disappointment I am.  Am I really that weak that I can't get up and get dressed and go into work like I'm supposed to?  Or am I just selfish and self-indulgent and using my 'disease' as an excuse for yet another vacation day?  What must people think of me?  I was always so smart, I had everything going for me, how did I end up such a failure?

I'm trying so hard not to think like that, but it's too deep.  And I look at my life from the bottom of this deep fissure and I can see 'normal' life up there in the sun but it's too dark down here and the walls are sheer and I can't climb them and I have wings but they're hanging uselessly at my side and I can't muster enough energy to fly.  And I think, I'm stuck down here, and if I don't get out soon, it's going to rain, and I'm going to drown.

I look at my bank account and the money I've had to pull from savings to cover my time off work and wonder what I'm going to do when it runs out.  And I look at my job and I think of how my bosses can't possibly keep being as understanding as they have been, and eventually they're going to get tired of bending over backwards to accommodate an unreliable employee and I'm going to get fired.  And I look at my apartment and I think that it's a good thing I don't have friends over because the place is a mess and hell, if I don't get kicked out for being a slob I'll still have to move when I lose my job because even if I'm lucky enough to get disability it wouldn't be enough to pay the rent and I have to remind myself that I still have my job and I still have money in savings, and things aren't that bleak yet but I can't see any other path for the future.  Or rather, I can see them, but they're all overgrown with roots and bushes or blocked by rocks and cutting through seems impossible.

So this is where I am.  I'm at work today, for once, but other than scheduling a few meetings for later in the week I haven't accomplished anything other than surfing Facebook and reading articles on Cracked.  I don't hold much hope for the rest of the afternoon.  And when I'm done marking time here at work, I'll probably go home and lose myself in playing Skyrim, where I can slaughter bandits and rescue hostages and kill dragons and save the world.  Where I can pretend I'm a hero, and competent, and not a failure - for a little while.

FYI -- I'm fine. Boston friends - if you see this, leave a comment to let me know you're ok (unless I've already talked to you).

Please keep the folks of South Louisiana in your thoughts as Isaac pounds New Orleans on this the 7th anniversary of Katrina.

#33 Ursula K. LeGuin, The Left Hand of Darkness, 320 pages.

First of all, I can't believe I got this far into my life as a geek without having read this seminal book. And it's not like people haven't recommended it to me before. It's not like I haven't sat in shame when I'm forced to tell other geeks that I've never read any LeGuin, no, not even Left Hand. It's just that hard sci-fi that makes you think is something I'm not often in the mood for. But finally I got around it it.

To be honest, while I can see why it's as well-regarded as it is it didn't bowl me over the way Roadside Picnic did. For one thing, the politics bored me. It was intellectually interesting from a philosophical point of view, but political intrigue has never really been my thing. The gender-stuff, while definitely the best part of the book, isn't nearly as groundbreaking to someone reading it in 2012 as it would have been to readers in 1969.

That said, it *is* a great book, and I'm glad to have read it. LeGuin is a wonderful writer (no surprise there) and I definitely need to make an effort to read more of her stuff.

#34 Rebecca York, New Moon (The Moon Series, Book 6), 336 pages.

Another book in the horrible werewolf porn series I'm addicted to. We've now graduated from werewolves to add psychics, magic-users, and shapeshifters from another dimension. They're like candy corn -- horrible, but addictive.

#35 Kimberley Pauley, Sucks to Be Me: The All-True Confessions of Mina Hamilton, Teen Vampire (maybe), 304 pages.

I would have never believed anyone could do a unique teen vampire novel, but Pauley's pulled it off. Mina Hamilton's parents are blood-sucking fiends. Literally, not figuratively. Actually they're quite nice - they're just vampires. Mina's known for ages, but now the Vampire Council has found out and she has to decide if she will join her parents in undeath - or live a mortal life believing her parents are dead once the Council's mind-wipers are through with her.

#36 Amber McRee Turner, Sway, 320 pages.

Cass idolizes her mom, who does disaster recovery and travels a lot. Cass's life is marked by long stretches of time alone with her boring father in between mom's visits home. But when Mom comes home this time Cass immediately senses something's not right. Seems Mom's decided to get herself another family. Cass blames her father - maybe if he wasn't so boring, Mom would have stuck around. The last thing she wants to do is take a road trip in the beat-up RV her father's been restoring. But Dad's insistent. Cass wants to go convince her mom to come home, not spend time with her boring dad. Then again, maybe Dad's not as boring as she always thought. Enter M.B. McClean and his amazing magical historical soaps.

This is one of those sappy, feel-good books about kids dealing with difficult family issues and learning about what's really important in life. And it's a good one.

Progress toward goals: 102/366 = 27.9%

Books: 36/100 = 36.0%

Pages: 11517/30000 = 38.4%

2012 Book List

cross-posted to 15000pages, 50bookchallenge, and gwynraven

The Secret Keeper by Kate Coombs

Good lord! Guess my Liath story isn't really very unique any more.

Yes, this. All the time. Particularly from my father, and to a lesser extent, my brother.
"C'mon, Jen, it's just a joke."
"You're overreacting."
"You're taking this way too seriously."
"I have a right to my opinion."
"Why are you getting upset about this? I'm just trying to have a rational debate."
"You'd make your point better if you didn't take it so personal." And on and on and on and on.

"It's just words, it doesn't mean anything." But yes, oh yes it does. And then they wonder why there's a part of me that dreads every family visit.


The Terrible Bargain We Have Regretfully Made

Kitten has a name: Meira!

Pictures here:  https://plus.google.com/u/0/photos/101676606690088344910/albums/5722861591227462817

#24 Ann Finnan, The Sorcerer of Sainte Felice, 360 pages.

Michael de Lorraine is to be burned at the stake as a sorcerer when he is saved by a strange monk and a conveniently timed rainstorm. Abbot Francis takes Michael back to his abbey in Sainte Felice where Michael discovers that all the monks there are sorcerers, hiding in plain sight under the nose of the Inquisition. But Abbot Francis has made some powerful enemies -- will their luck hold out, or will the Holy Office discover their secret? I really liked this one - it reminded me of Judith Tarr's The Hound and the Falcon trilogy (which I totally need to reread).

#25 Eoin Colfer, The Arctic Incident (Artemis Fowl, Book Two), 292 pages.

Second in the Artemis Fowl series - and already you can see the cracks in Artemis' ruthless facade. Not to mention it's just great fun.

#26 Gail Carriger, Heartless (The Parasol Protectorate), 400 pages.

I'm so sad there's only one book left in this series.

Progress toward goals: 76/366 = 20.8%

Books: 26/100 = 26.0%

Pages: 8476/30000 = 28.3%

2012 Book List

cross-posted to 15000pages, 50bookchallenge, and gwynraven

So I have been very remiss in my reviewing lately. Hold onto your hats, cause this is a long one.

#1 Donny Bailey Seagraves, Gone from These Woods, 192 pages.

Ok, talk about depressing. This book is about an 11-year-old who accidentally shoots and kills his uncle on a hunting trip. And how he learns to live with it. Well done, but very depressing.

#2 Sara Ryan, Empress of the World, 224 pages.

First love is hard enough without coming out as well. A very realistic and heart-tugging story of two awkward teen girls navigating a romantic relationship.

#3 Margo Lanagan, Black Juice, 208 pages.

Wow. Just wow. Lanagan's short stories are Literature in the best sense of the word -- haunting tales of circumstances as fantastic as they are remarkably human. Savour slowly.

#4 Lynn Jonell, The Secret of Zoom, 320 pages.

Somehow this kind of story has become its own sub-genre without my noticing: troubled pre-teen dealing with loss of one parent in comically bizarre circumstance and subsequent withdrawal and neglect of remaining parent discovers something fishy going on in their community which usually (but not always) relates back to the death of the first parent. Subsequent adventure and corresponding danger result in the redress of evils, the discovery of hidden truths, and a closer relationship with remaining parent. As clicheed as the plot is becoming, this is not a bad example of the genre.

#5 Rebecca York, Killing Moon (The Moon Series, Book 1), 352 pages.
#6 Rebecca York, Edge of the Moon (The Moon Series, Book 2), 336 pages.
#7 Rebecca York, Witching Moon (The Moon Series, Book 3), 352 pages.
#8 Rebecca York, Crimson Moon (The Moon Series, Book 4), 352 pages.
#9 Rebecca York, Shadow of the Moon (The Moon Series, Book 5), 352 pages.

This series is werewolf porn. Smutty paranormal romance with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. So why can't I stop reading them? Ah well, everyone has to have some guilty pleasures.

#10 Steig Larsson, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (Movie Tie-in Edition) (Vintage Crime/Black Lizard), 672 pages.

Yeah, I finally got on the bandwagon. While I definitely did enjoy the book, I have to wonder what the hype's all about. It's good, but not as great as I was expecting considering the press. Still gonna read the other two though.

#11 Gail Carriger, Soulless (The Parasol Protectorate), 384 pages.
#12 Gail Carriger, Changeless (The Parasol Protectorate), 400 pages.
#13 Gail Carriger, Blameless (The Parasol Protectorate), 384 pages.

Vampires and Werewolves in Victorian London. Sinister scientists and mechanical monsters. Steampunk meets the paranormal romance. What more could you ask for?

#14 Anna Myers, Time of the Witches, 208 pages.

A historical fiction account of the Salem Witch Trials from the point of view of one of the accusers. A pretty interesting look at cutthroat local politics and mass hysteria from the inside.

#15 Kate Thompson, Creature of the Night, 256 pages.

Bobby is a career criminal at the age of 14, hanging around street toughs years older than him and stealing cars then taking advantage of his youth to escape the consequences. When Bobby's mother drags Bobby and his little brother Dennis away from Dublin and into the Irish countryside to try to escape her debt, all Bobby wants is to get back to Dublin and his old life. But life in the country is different from Dublin. When he steals a car in his new home his mother's landlord makes him work off the charges. Farm work is tough, and Bobby doesn't have time to get in trouble any more. Besides, he's got other things to think about. What happened to the tenant before them, who disappeared mysteriously in the middle of the night? What happened to the child who disappeared there 20 years earlier? And who is the 'little woman' 4-year-old Dennis claims comes to talk with him every night?

#16 G. M. Malliet, Death of a Cozy Writer (A St. Just Mystery), 312 pages.

Pretty much exactly what the title says. When a wealthy mystery writer with penchant for pitting his heirs against each other is killed, there is no shortage of suspects, including the new wife, whose previous husband also died conveniently.

#17 Jennifer Knight, Blood on the Moon, 400 pages.

Nothing like a love triangle with a vampire and a werewolf to liven up a girl's college experience.

#18 Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games, 384 pages.

Another popular book I'm only now getting around to reading. For this one, I totally understand the hype. And I can't wait to see how they treat it in the movie.

#19 Celia Thomson, The Fallen (Nine Lives of Chloe King), 256 pages.

What can I saw -- I saw the short-lived TV series on Netflix and I really liked it in a cheesy way. But then they ended on that cliffhanger and it was cancelled. When I found out it was based off a series of books I figured I'd check them out. Unfortunately this is one of the few times I think the tv version was actually better than the books. But I'm withholding final judgement until I finish the other two :)

#20 Max Lüthi, The European Folktale: Form and Nature (Folklore Studies in Translation), 200 pages.

Very interesting analysis of how the very two-dimensional nature of the folk tale actually serves to increase its potency and meaning.

#21 Melissa Kantor, If I Have a Wicked Stepmother, Where's My Prince?, 320 pages.

This was an interesting version of the 'misfit teen' genre. Kantor's protagonist - having been moved from California to New York due to her father's marriage to a woman she detests with two young daughters she can't stand -- actually gets what every misfit teen girl longs for: popularity, and the hottest boy in school for her boyfriend. Only problem is, now that she's got it, is it really what she wants?

#22 Shana Norris, Something to Blog About, 256 pages.

I actually quite liked this -- brought back memories of the early days of blogging, the hysterical drama of misfit teens, and the confusion and misunderstandings of first love.

Progress toward goals: 72/366 = 19.7%

Books: 22/100 = 22.0%

Pages: 7120/30000 = 23.7%

2012 Book List

cross-posted to 15000pages, 50bookchallenge, and gwynraven