gwynhefar | (no subject)

Today seems to be a day of whinging, I guess. That happens when I'm stuck on the desk on a weekend and have too much time to think.

After a little over a year of being truly healthy again, I'd forgotten what it was like to be disabled. For the past four months or so, despite multiple attempts at medication to control it, I've been having increasing anxiety, panic attacks, bouts of and crippling insomnia. I'm exhausted *all the time* now. The degree varies from 'stumbling around like I'm drunk' tired to 'I could really use a nap' tired but I'm never not tired anymore. I'm back to counting spoons. I'm back to having to make all my plans conditional -- yeah, I'll hang out with you tomorrow *if* I get more than 5 hours of sleep tonight and *if* I don't have an anxiety attack and *if* the thought of actually facing people doesn't make me want to curl up under the covers and *if* my brain is actually functioning at something resembling normal capacity.

It's a different kind of disability from the physical issues I had before my surgery, but it's become a disability nonetheless. Between the recurring nature of my Depression/Anxiety Disorders and the high likelihood that my Neurofibromatosis will continue to cause problems in the future, I find myself wondering whether I will ever get to be truly healthy again.

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I think I know how you feel in some of those respects. I don't have the insomnia per se but a lot of that other stuff sounds pretty familiar. Even when you sleep you can't get any real rest and as such you drag all day. For the past few weeks my routine is generally go to work, somehow make it through, go home and immediately curl up in a dark room and try to rest for a few hours. Then get up, eat dinner and try to actually get a few things done before trying to go to bed at a time that's not past midnight.

The only real thing that calms me down is knowing that I have a few people who understand and accept those problems although it can be difficult to keep those thoughts in the forefront at a time when just hearing a voice can make your heart leap into your throat. And you wonder if you'll ever be "normal" again or at least what you perceive as normal. But the important thing is knowing you have people who don't care if you ever get "normal" and will be there for you for as long as it takes for you to get wherever you think you need to be.

So take your time and do whatever it is that needs to be done. Regardless of what happens, we'll be here waiting for you with open arms.

Several years ago, I dealt with a crippling exhaustion that helped get me fired, as I could NOT stay awake. It was a terrifying sort of exhaustion.. was good for maybe 2 hours, and then it wasn't just 'oh I need a nap' it was a crushing numbing black exhaustion. And I firmly believe it was stress related because after I lost my job it went away.

Which I offer up as a 'hey yeah anxiety and stress have awesome symptoms you'd never expect' thought.

I'm so sorry it's so hard for you right now. I wish I had a miracle-cure answer for you.

Thanks. I wish there was a miracle cure too. Unfortunately all I can do now is work with my doctor and keep trying various combinations of medications in the hope that we stumble upon one that works.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I wish I could do something to make it better. Wherever did my magic wand for fixing people go? I'm sure I should have one, shouldn't I?